A Note to Mama

Dear mama,

I know I've been hurt you as much as I love you, but for this time would you please be a friend to me? Not to reproach my words either give me suggest but just listen to them carefull.. Ma, I really wanna share it to you.

Mama,

Have you ever felt afraid of losing your youth because sooner you'll be a baby keeper?

Well, I have. And I guess surely, you haven't, because you stayed with your best girlfriends out of town when you were the same old with me. And you got no baby to keep.

Have you ever thought that you need to have fun when you were young before you're getting older?

Well, I have and, yea, you haven't because you were too busy with your calculus exercises at engineering faculty when you were the same old with me.

Mama,

Just because I betrayed your trust in the past doesn't mean I will be a horrible harlot at the end. I confess that I made you upset but, from now on can't you see it clearly that I gradually pay it back?

Mama,

I do not make my self any worse. I study greatly, I compete better, I won some competition at the university, I get the scholarship, I went out of city as a representative from the university, I fix my devotions, I stay at this town and go to the school I never wanted to go, learning a lot of knowledges I am not interesting at, but I keep  doing my best. They are not enough, are they?

Mama,

All I want is a little space for me to respire and relax my stubborn at the arm in the middle of the night. Honestly, mama, I'm totally different with you, papa, brotha, sister who do not like the night air. I love the night, ma because I'm sick of blue skies, daylight and the sun. But you told me to grateful of them because they are the biggest energy that the Lord gave. Once again, I've tried to love these, but, mama I've fallen for the night and dark skies and the stars and the moon. Will you forgive me?

Mama,

I want my youth completely done here. I love to stay late. I used to drive home alone. I don't care what people say, ma. They judge folly. It is the time, ma. Time to realize that your little girl is growing up. Time to face her mature and appreciate her mind.

Mama,

I know you've been crying a lot for your children. I'm not going to blame you or anyone else. I just need you to know my unspoken words.

Mama, mama, mama

Will you hear?

oopsy-diddy!

This fuckin trial has been there for these last 5 years! Stupidly, I always want to get it all over again. I mean, have you ever been loved by someone who is rich? No, not only that rich but frankly, really rich. Richy! How's your feeling when you are riding with the same man in different kind of expensive car for certain months every year? And then, he asks you having lunch or dinner in an exclusive restaurant. And you know, his family is respectable in your little town. Clearly, his future is soooooo much shine brightly blinding your eyes because he's just graduated from a well-known government school of your country.

That kind of man was just in love with me. Was. I know you'll say "come on Nyna do not live in your fairytale. There's that man, in a Cinderella story". I'm not going to force you to trust this story but I know he will breaking all the rules to see me.

It was 2007 where everything has just begun there. I had my first love, and a richy-fatty boy came dilatory telling something about invisible-loving, well, I don't know how to describe a love that couldn't be shown to everyone around because you've already had another one. Forbidden love? Too dramatic! Whatever. And in 2008 he continued his study at a governtment institution, I didn't remember but I guess we didn't meet in this year. I remember how he jumped into the car, sneak off his school in Bandung just to meet me in Jakarta for 2 hours. I guess I've droven him insane. In 2009 he came to our little town with a glory uniform -we were still friends, even more- he asked me to have some steak and talked a lot of things. We will be in touch if we are just going to meet. I got a boyfriend -so did he-, messed up, broke up, I find another boyfriend, messed up, broke up, finding again.. But he's still on my contact list. It feels like he's not going anywhere, he's there for me. Our invisible-loving still unclear. He's doing fine now. He became skinny, still hot anyway. He's mature mind, respect.. He's a man now.

My sister, my cousin and friends keep asking me to get a clear relation with him, but.. I don't know why it keeps blur on me. And now on 2012 there he comes, asking me to meet. And I.... I don't know what to do. I am afraid. Perhaps to be really in love with him. *.*

survive - saturated

bertahan pada saat jenuh yang benar-benar jenuh itu ternyata sesusah ini rasanya. aiiih, bodoh sekali kalau diingat-ingat. bagaimana saya yakin bahwa saya tidak akan menemukan titik yang paling dihindari semua orang. kejenuhan..

mungkin ini semua memang berawal dari kesalahan saya. tapi yang saya tidak mengerti kenapa dia berlarut-larut dengan perasaan sensitif dan pikirannya sendiri. yang terus saya lakukan hanya bertahan, bertahan, bertahan, bertahan, bertahan, bertahan, bertahan, bertahan, bertahan, bertahan, dan bertahan sampai saya sendiri bosan menulisnya..

saya sudah bilang, saya takut bosan bertahan. sampai tadi sekali lagi dia bilang untuk tidak ganggu dia dulu. seperti yang saya duga sebelumnya, saya ternyata tidak bertahan lagi. yah kalaupun titik ini harus dilewati untuk kebaikan, let it be. tapi kalau memang sudah jalannya di jalan lain, saya sendiri belum berani bilang saya sudah siap atau belum

honestly..

saya sayang sekali sama dia. saya sadar dia tidak seperti laki-laki lain. dia selalu manjakan saya, dia selalu ikut mauku, dia selalu utamakan saya tapi sekarang ini saya betul-betul capek untuk bertahan.

we're more than just friends

have you ever fell at the wrong time?
well, I have.
I am my self whenever I'm with him. I know it's just a while moment, feeling, whatever. But I do like his fruity hair, his nose, his brown eyes, his lips, his skin, his arms, his body, his laughs, his jokes. We had a deal we are just friends. Until the day we meet again, I realize we're more than just friends.
I listen to his story, I share like a best friend supposed to be. He suggests me the best. We sing to my favorite songs. We dance without musics. We kissed in the pouring rain. Beautiful, isn't? It just happened unwittingly.
And now he's about returning to the city. He promissed me to come again. But I won't believe to this kind of promisses. Please stay on "just friends" I am also more comfortable that way. We have our life, don't we? :)

sedih

kesalahan, kecelakaan (walopun kecil) bukan hal yang diminta minta kan? sedih sekali malam ini. ceritanya tadi nin pergi ke rumah teman yang natalan. trus pas pulang mobil keseret di beton. bagian bawah sebelah kiri jadi cacat deh. well, lumayan parah kalo diperhatikan baik-baik tapi sedikit saja bagiannya.

yang nin sedihkan bukan itu.. itu masih bisa diperbaiki, nin juga masih punya uang perbaiki. yang nin sedihkan ekspresinya mami. sudah dua kali nin begini dua kali itu juga ekspresinya langsung tidak enak diliat, bicaranya jadi 'nusuk'. yang tambah bikin sedih lagi nin perhatikan kalo sama dua orang kk nyna (ka bony & ka putry) ekspresinya mami nda menyeramkan dan menghakimi begitu. malah ka bon atau ka putry dihibur mami.

sedih.. kayak tidak adil. memang nin nda hati-hati tapi nin tidak pernah mau sengaja bikin begini. dulu saja ka putry bikin mobil sampe keliatan sekali belakangnya, ka bony malah lebih parah tapi nda pernah mami seperti keliatan jengkel begini.

mungkin selalu nin salah pada saat yang tidak tepat. mau skali tanya sama mami kenapa nyna dibeginikan cuma pasti nanti banyak jawaban mami yang lebih menusuk. dipendam saja.

bukannya mami lebih sayang barang, tapi memang perannya mobil sekarang ini dibutuhkan sekali karena tinggal sendirinya mobil di rumah. mau naek motor juga jarang dikasi, serba salah sebenarnya. cuma heran sama sikap yang menurut nin kurang adil begitu. ya Allah, maafkan saya.

my new pink V!

ahaaa! selamat pagi....
senang sekali! akhirnya yg ditunggu tunggu datang juga
V for my pink vaio! terima kasih mami :*
anyway, i'm getting used to this stuff.. see ya blog!

long time...

good eve!
my only reason why do I post something lately is..... I do not have my own computer, well, yet! masih masalah finansial yang 4 tahun belakangan ini semakin sulit saja, hal ini juga yang sebenar benarnya menghambat kemauan saya untuk kuliah hubungan internasional atau komunikasi di luar pulau sulawesi, well, setidaknya luar kota saya. saya harus cukup mengerti dengan keadaan orang tua saya sekarang, sakit sekali awalnya, sering nangis dan jadi cengeng. tapi begitu saya lulus SNMPTN tertulis di salah satu universitas negeri jurusan ekonomi di kota saya -satu satunya univ. negeri disini- saya yakin, Tuhan menyiapkan jalan lain yang lebih baik untuk saya. itulah pegangan saya selalu, jangan tanya kecewa saya bagaimana, bukan cuma sekali dua kali saya menangis sampe mata bengkak dan nafas yang sesak tapi berkali kali.
sepertinya Tuhan masih menyimpan beberapa rahasia dan hikmah lagi untuk saya, ada kelas baru yg dibuka di jurusan saya, oh ya, saya mengambil jurusan management. pada angkatan saya dibukalah kelas Internasional, dan pada saat tes tertulis maupun wawancara, alhamdulillah nama saya selalu berada di Rank 1. senang sekali, saya pikir semoga ini jadi pertanda dan awal yg baik bagi masa depan saya. amin.
banyak yang menyayangkan pilihan saya unuk lanjut di kota ini, tapi kembali lagi dari awal, saya memang harus benar-benar mengerti apa yg sedang Tuhan rancanakan untuk saya. ikhlas itu, susah susah gampang, tapi saya masih dalam tahap lebih banyak susahnya. hehe. seiring waktu saya yakin ini akan berlalu dan saya tetap berjanji akan berbuat yang terbaik lagi.

well, tulisan ini akhirnya kesampaian juga untuk saya posting awalnya saya pikir tidak akan dipost begitu saja. tapi rasanya lega sekali. membaca ini berarti kamu sedang mendoakan yg terbaik bagi saya. aaaah leganya. saya akan terus berbuat dan berprestasi untuk kedua orang tua saya :)